Hip hip hooray it’s the Schools Summer Fair,
You’d rather not go but the kids want you there.
A day filled with family friendly fun,
You’ll be the outcast evil mother if you don’t come.
A pound to get in but the kids can come free,
Ah it’s cheaper this year you think with glee.
You smile at the mums & make polite chat,
But it’s the bottle tombola you want to be at.
A pound for a ticket but you can win wine!
Oh shit it’s that bottle of coke that’s now mine.
I’ll have another go at this wine winning biz,
I might even win that big bottle of fizz!
We wander through the stalls,
Playing this and that,
No we won’t be buying much of this tat.
There’s a raffle in the hall with prizes galore,
Nothing I fancy so I head for the door.
Wait what’s that? I’m heading back in,
Buying my tickets to win all the gin.
Then outside I see it in all it’s splendour,
Put there to help mums & dads go on a bender.
It’s Pimms! It’s Pimms I shout with glee!
Let’s go and get one it will be fab, you’ll see!
Oh no the Pimms is fake,
The Lemonades flat,
Not even any any ice,
I’m sick of this crap.
All the seats are taken so we sit on the floor,
Near the fake Pimms, as we’ll be back for more.
Sipping my warm drink I sit in the sun,
I hadn’t dreamed this could be such fun!
Kids everywhere are feral, running wild like a bulls
They’re hot & sweaty & their stomaches are full
Of cake & sweets that just keep appearing,
Parents getting worried of a meltdown nearing.
The prizes we make, bake and donate,
We all buy back at an extortionate rate.
The PTAs happy, the kids far from sad,
The only glum faces are the skint mums & dads.
The raffle is drawn, I didn’t win a prize,
I watch the gin go with tears in my eyes.
Next year I won’t go, I won’t, I profess,
A weekend away would cost us far less!